FALLING APART - when falling apart allows everything to fall into place .

 

Nearly 7 years ago I remember standing at the start line, about to run my first ever marathon . I should have been nervous , I should have been anxious but I was lost in my thoughts . I was in a different world in my head .

Only 4 weeks earlier my world had crumbled round about me and was continuing  to but I was determined I was going to do this marathon for me to prove to myself how strong I was .

Amazingly I did it , I ran the whole 26miles and as I crossed the finish line with tears streaming down my face I knew then this was about the be the start of a very difficult painful journey .That was in the May , i was still full of hope for my crumbling life . By the October the hope had turned into failure in my head .

To the outside world I was this strong independent female with two beautiful children and great job who had a wonderful life .The truth I felt a failure , I hated myself , I felt worthless not worthy of anyone's time yet alone love . I hated looking in the mirror I did not recognise this person who slowly wasting away .I had extreme muscle waste due to my running and the lack of fuel going into my body . My body looked lifeless , fragile and I was slowly wasting away both inside and out .Insomnia by this point had also kicked in and I got use to living  and functioning on a few hours sleep a night .

Then one day I was sat in a friends house and I had my first ever panic attack I didn't know what was happening i was scarred frightened and my body and mind were out of control . As she lay me down in her bed not knowing what to do with me I remember clearly suddenly feeling very safe .. ( when I look back now I realise it is the simple acts of kindness that have the biggest impact )After that day I knew I had to get help ., I only wish I knew then what I know now about self help .

Instead I took the medical route . My lovely doctor had to go through the diagnosis process those questions I know so well you answered on a scale of 1-10 .By the end of it , not that I think he was in any doubt in the first place by my wasted body gaunt face and tear covered face , he told me I was pretty much off the scale and was suffering depression .

The first and best bit of advice he gave me was "don't ever stop your running it is the one thing that will help you beat this ".The pills were to follow , those pills that took any emotion away . The only way to describe it is imagine you have a pen in your hand and your are drawing wavy lines all over a sheet of paper then suddenly those lines become one single flat line . They suck the emotion out of you ..., this part of my life I was about to enter into was a self destructive phase .

The years that followed are a bit of  a daze . I was desperately living in hope of healing my heart rather than healing myself .I was searching for something I was never going to find , trying to replicate the most powerful love I had ever experienced .

I just couldn't see it or wouldn't allow myself to realise that the reason it was so special is it was unique it couldn't be replaced .

That part of my life I don't think I'm ready to write about yet maybe over time as my HYGGEME journey continues I will .

What I do know now is I experienced it for a reason , it may have nearly destroyed me but it didn't it has made the person I am today . I have the very person who broke me to thank for the journey I have been on , the experiences I have had , the love I have for my children and the fact that I now totally realise we are on this earth to live a life we love .

Yes it was hard but it was so worth it to become the person I am today and I will be for ever grateful for that .

Kim Flower

Founder of HYGGEME

 

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